An Open Letter To My Depression

An Open Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

It's me. I'm sure you must know who I am, seeing as we've been living together for a few years now. I actually think we've probably been living together for much longer than that, but I didn't have a name for you back then. I'm writing to you so that we can get a few things straight, I even have something I'd like to thank you for. I bet you don't get too many thank you's.

On my worst days, I know you're trying to kill me. To convince me that I have no place in this world, to convince me that this world would be far better off without me. That my family and friends would be far better off without me. You're very convincing, I'll give you that much. But what you clearly don't realize, is that on my worst of days, I have learned just how strong I am. On my worst days, I've had to do one of the bravest things a person can do – and that's to continue living even when I feel like I want to die. On those days, I learn that I'm far stronger than I look. On those days, I'm reminded that although I may bend, I will not break.

And on my best days, I actually feel far stronger than you. On those days your presence isn't as noticeable, your voice isn't so loud. You don't feel all that important, and your place in my world becomes much smaller. On those days, I'm reminded that you don't always get to be the powerful, driving force in my life. My resilience, my strength, and my tenacity get to be the most powerful forces on those days. And no offence, but they are far more powerful than you will ever be.

So I want to thank you. Surprising I know. You should really take this moment in, because I doubt it comes around very often. I want to thank you for showing me how strong I really am. Because even in my weakest moments, I show strength – strength to carry on, strength to continue this fight. I want to thank you for making the good moments, the happy moments in my life, that much more blissful. Without your darkness, I would not appreciate my light. Without having experienced the depths of despair, I wouldn't truly appreciate the simple, but wonderful moments of joy. I want to thank you for helping me to find my purpose. Though you're great at convincing me that I have no purpose on this Earth, ironically, you've also been the one to help me restore my sense of purpose. You've helped me realize that my true passion in this lifetime is to help others, and while I haven't quite figured out exactly how I will help them, I know that by talking about you, I help them to feel less alone. Because though you've got a very busy schedule, you still somehow find the time to affect 1 in 4 people. Your time management skills really are astounding.

So, Depression, this is my open letter to you. Some days you really test my ability - my ability to stick around, to keep up the fight. Some days you damn near break me. But you've taught me that I embody a strength that people who have never been touched by you, will never know. You've taught me that even in my darkest moments, I fight. And I win.

With love + understanding, 

Stephanie Katrina 

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